A GLOSSARY OF BASS FISHING TERMS
Anchor Any heavy object intended to keep a boat from drifting in wind or current; actually, a hernia-causing device which drags along the bottom n any wind stronger than 10mph.

Artificial - Artificial lure, i.e., any lure other than live bait. Usually made of plastic, wood, metal, feathers, rubber, silicon, hair, or a combination thereof. Often embellished with tinsel, aluminum foil, mylar, paint, etc. Usually expensive.

Backlash - A tangle of line in a baitcasting reel caused either by the spool revolving faster than the line is flowing out, or by a reel that is faster than the fisherman’s brain and/or thumb. Also, the reason why reel manufacturers market their reels as being “backlash-free” or “backlash resistant,” both of which actually mean that the fisherman will become angry as well as frustrated every time he/she experiences a backlash.

Bait - Anything that is either alive now or used to be alive that is used to catch a fish. Examples are crawfish, earthworms, nightcrawlers, caterpillars, minnows, shiners, mice, frogs, baby chicks, your son’s pet gerbil, toy poodles, your neighbor’s kitten, etc.

Balsa - A highly buoyant and light wood used for the construction of both topwaters and minnow-imitating diving lures. Famous for making lures so light that the slightest breeze blows them back into your face, causing both imbedded hooks and monstrous backlashes. Extremely expensive.

Bank - Shoreline; also, where you had to go in order to invest in a bass boat.

Bass - Any member of genus Micropterus. Bass are actually a type of sunfish, not to be confused with “true” bass, which include white (sand) bass, striped bass, white perch, yellow bass, rockfish, or white bass-striped bass hybrids. The cause of many divorces. Said to have a brain about the size of an English pea, which doesn’t say much for bass fisherfolk.

Bass boat - An extremely expensive type of boat which has been designed and manufactured specifically for bass fishing, especially in bass tournaments, which involve flitting all over a lake at hundreds of miles per hour. Normally contains many high-tech electronic devices, lots of storage compartments, an outboard motor that could power a NASCAR competitor, and an electric motor called a “trolling motor,” although it’s almost never used for trolling by bass fishermen. Also known as “Dad’s toy,” it’s the real reason why bass fishermen have to work, have a mortgage, why the wife doesn’t own a fur coat, and why the children will have to work their way through college.

Battery - A device which, if properly charged, is used either to power a trolling motor and all electronics on a bass boat or to start the outboard motor. Seldom properly charged, so they often quit many miles from the fisherman’s tow vehicle and end up being used as anchors.

Bigmouth - The guy at the other end of the boat who won’t stop talking; also, the guy who caught a bigger fish than you did; also, see Largemouth.

Bird’s nest - The tangle of line that spills off your spinning reel because you wound on your line backwards and lest the bail close automatically.

Bite - What fish seldom do; also, what you did when you heard about that new “hot” lure from the salesman at the tackle shop.

Bowfin - Also known as a Grindle, Grinnel, or Mudfish, this fish is a “throwback” to the geologic late Paleozoic Era. Native to the Southeastern United States, its ferocious strides and rod-busting fight also cause coronary arrest in many bass fishermen.

Bream - A small sunfish with many varieties and names such as bluegill, Punkinseed, Cracker, Pumpkinseed, Yellow-belly, etc. Known to bite the tails off of two-colored plastic worms.

Brim - See Bream.

Buzz bait - A lure with a propeller-type spinner blade that remains on the water’s surface when retrieved at a rapid rate; creates the sound of a missing 1920’s outboard motor.

Carp - A rough fish which can grow to more than 40 pounds; often mistaken for spawning bass by its habit of sloshing around in extremely shallow water. Famous as a food fish prepared by “planking,” in which a carp is gilled, gutted, split, and attached to a cedar plank. The plank is placed upright beside an open fire to bake the fish, after which the cook throws away the fish and eats the board. A delicacy in Europe (where there are no bass); also known as Gfeltefish by kosher folk. Retarded carp sometimes strike bass lures.

Casting - The process whereby the fisherman makes his lure or bait leave the proximity of his rod tip and travel very quickly into the top of the nearest tree or powerline; often causes a backlash.

Catfish - A slimy, scaleless fish with whiskers, known to scare bass fishermen into believing they have hooked a lunker bass. Although some eat live prey, known primarily as a fish that will eat anything that smells worse than last season’s hunting clothes that you forgot to wash the skunk and fox urine scent out of. Edible. Often purchased in grocery stores on the way home from a fishing trip so the fisherman can tell his wife he filleted his catch at the lake.

Creature bait - A soft plastic lure that looks like absolutely nothing that has ever lived in the history of the earth, but that bass still try to eat; usually fished like a plastic worm.

Crankbait - A lure, usually made of wood or hard plastic, that is used merely by chunking it out and winding it back in. Designed to catch wood, rocks, weeds, and fishermen as well as bass. Also, any bait used by someone you don’t like. Called “idiot baits,” since the common perception is that any numbskull can catch bass with them. That perception is wrong.

Crappie - A fresh water fish known for its general stupidity, excellent table fare, and its taste for minnows and small jigs. Excellent food fish if large enough to fillet. Seldom mistaken for a bass by anyone with senses of touch and sight.

DD - Double-digit. Any bass weighing 10 pounds or more. If no photographs were taken of the bass, it could be a 7- or 8-pounder....or even a four.

Depth finder - A sonar unit, either a “flasher,” a graph, or an LCD unit that provides the fishermen with information about what is under (and sometimes off to the sides of) the boat; of varying degrees of complexity and sophistication, some units measure water depth, water temperature, distance travelled, boat speed, GPS coordinates, mapping circuitry, species and size of fish under the boat, hardness/softness of the lake bottom, the topography of the lake bed in contour lines, and the celestial position of the boat. Can be extremely expensive.

Dropoff - A place where the lake bottom depth rapidly increases in a short horizontal distance. Named for what bass fishermen do over the side of the boat with new and expensive rods and reels.

Dropshot - A method of fishing a soft plastic lure vertically or ahead of the boat with finesse.
Eastern Chain Pickerel Called “snakes” by most bass fishermen, these fish resemble a small Northern Pike in appearance, but not in fighting ability. They readily strike any lure with a spinner, after which they usually tangle up in the weeds and become dead weight. A general pain in the patoot.

Finesse-rig - A method of rigging and fishing a lure that frequently involves light wire hooks and wimpy tackle. Very productive at times when bass will hit nothing else.

Flasher - Either an outdated type of sonar depth-finder or a frustrated fisherman after dark.

Flippin’ - A technique of castles fishing, whereby the fisherman swings the lure underhand with a heavy, long rod, holding extra line in his/her other hand, and then lets go of the line so the lure will become tangled on a limb so far back in the thick brushpile that a specialized, very heavy and expensive rod is needed to get most of your line back after you break off your lure. Specialized reels with “flippin’ switches” are also available. That’s why flippin’ was invented in the first place: to sell more rods and reels.

Fresh water drum - Also known as Gasper Gou, the drum is a rough fish that sometimes strikes bass lures and, due to its size and the way it fights, causes bass fishermen to dream of records and taxidermists – until they see what they hooked.

Front - Normally, any cold front; sometimes a condition that has nothing to do with weather, but used as an excuse for being skunked. See Skunked.

Gill net - A fishing device illegal in every state, but so effective that the Air Force packs them into survival kits for their pilots. Rumors circulate periodically about pros using them before tournaments.

Go Pro - A small, digital video recorder that usually catches a fisherman making an [censored] out of himself; a perfect gift for egotists. Expensive.

Grocery store - Where you can buy a fish to prevent going home “skunked” as long as your wife doesn’t know the difference in appearance and taste between a bass and whatever kind of fish you buy. Not much of a problem, since few wives couldn’t tell a bass from a scallop because they never see any. (Note: if you get your fish there, don’t forget to explain that you filleted your catch at the lake.)

Grub - A growth-retarded worm made of soft plastic.

Hangup - Getting your lure caught on any inanimate object; what your wife or girlfriend does when you tell her the reason you stood her up or didn’t call was because you heard that bass were biting, or that you got lost in the tackle shop; also, what your wife says you have about fishing.

Hawg - A big bass; lunker; toad; also, any fish that breaks your line, even if you’ve neglected re-tying for six hours; see Lunker.

Hawgjaw - A term used primarily for lunker Largemouths. See Lunker.

Honey Hole - Any spot on a lake where you’ve caught a fish before, ever; also, a place across the border from Falcon or Amistad that is never mentioned at home.

Hook - The most important piece of terminal tackle; also, the thing that the idiot in the back of your boat buried in your scalp.

Hung up - What the other guy in the boat usually is.

Jet Ski - See Water skier.

Jig - A single hook lure made of lead and either hair, feathers, silicon or rubber, designed and manufactured to enable you to get hung up and lose it in the thickest cover.

Jighead - A lead-encased hook used to make a jig by attaching feathers, rubber, hair, or a soft plastic bait; also, anyone fishing from the back seat of your boat who fishes behind the boat and keeps getting hung up.

Kayak - An Eskimo boat made of animal skins, used to harpoon marine mammals; also a sit-in or sit-upon craft sometimes used for fishing where bass boats can’t go; can be very effective.

Keeper - A bass the size of which makes it legal to keep.

Lake Record - The last bass you broke off; also, the heaviest bass ever caught from that lake.

Largemouth - Micropterus salmoides, the Largemouth Bass. America’s most popular gamefish. Also known regionally as Green Trout. Actually a member of the Sunfish family; the quarry of millions of fishermen who spend billions of dollars each year in order to go home frustrated. Eats small trout, perch, and almost anything else that makes it mad or appears to be alive.

LCD - Liquid Crystal Display; a type of depth finder that is almost impossible to read in the sun.

Line - The connection between your rod and reel and your terminal tackle. Usually monofilament, fluorocarbon, or braid; less often, lead core or wire.

Livewell - A compartment in a bass boat used to keep dead and dying fish wet and separated from those that the other guy in the boat caught out of YOUR favorite honey hole.

Lunker - Any bass that weighs more than your previous PB (personal best); any bass that is lost (i.e., “the one that got away”); any fish that bites or strikes, but either is not hooked or seen. Also hawg, toad.

Money - What you had before you bought your boat, rods, reels, electronics, and before any visit to a tackle shop.

Monster bass - See Lunker. Also, the one that just broke off your favorite lure.

Net - A fishing tool you realize you left at home just as a lunker approaches your boat on the end of your line.

Paddle - A human-powered propulsion device required by law to be in every boat, but seldom used. Very difficult to use for moving a 21-foot bass boat against the wind.

PB - Personal best; heaviest or longest bass you’ve ever caught.

PFD - Personal flotation device. The life vest that’s tangled up with lures and treble hooks at the bottom of your dry storage compartment under the spilled tackle box and the lunch you forgot to eat during that fishing trip last month.

Polaroid glasses - Sunglasses that allegedly enable the fisherman to see below the water’s surface; these don’t work as well as a SCUBA mask, for they don’t keep the water out of your eyes.

Pole - A fishing device often used by ethnic minorities and children, usually from highway bridges; commonly made from cane; also, what you must do when you’re up a creek with no paddle, or when the hydrilla or coontail is matted up everywhere on the lake.

Pork rind - A piece of old, rotten, or pickled pig skin used either by itself with a weedless hook or as a trailer on other lures such as jigs and weedless spoons; famous for catching really big, non-Kosher bass.

Power pole - An expensive hydraulic device frequently installed as the pair on bass boats; used to impress those who don't have one; also to hold the boat in position in shallow water without anchoring by driving a spike down into the lake bed. Can make deep gouges in highway and driveway surfaces. Very expensive.

Pro - Any fisherman who has ever received a cash prize for catching fish; sometimes confused with fishermen who buy and wear clothing advertising brands of lures, boats, tackle, etc.

Public waters - Where non-PWF members fish.

Quiet - What fishermen in the old days thought they had to be to catch a fish. They wouldn’t even talk above a whisper in the boat. Today’s typical fisherman knows that it’s not necessary to talk quietly, so loudmouths abound. Talking is OK, except with a spouse in the boat - never allow a wife to learn that talking while fishing is OK. Boat noise is still taboo, though. That’s why bass boats are carpeted - to keep from scaring the fish when they drop their empty beer cans and bourbon bottles or fall out of their fishing chairs.

Reel - A winding device attached to a rod. Various types exist: the baitcasting reel, which normally has two types of drags – one to prevent a strong fish from breaking your line, and one to reduce the number of backlashes you get because you can’t cast worth a hoot; the spinning reel, famous for twisting your line, with resultant snarls (see Bird’s nest); the spin-cast reel, which often have decals of Snoopy on them; and the fly reel, used only to store line.

Rig - Any method of rigging soft plastic lures, be they worm, lizard, grub, tube, or creature bait; often named after a state (Texas-rig = T-rig, Alabama rig = A-rig, Carolina rig = C-rig, etc), but sometimes named after the way it is fished (finesse rig, dropshot rig, wacky rig, etc)

Rod - A high-tech fishing device normally made from graphite, boron, fiberglass, or some expensive composite thereof; made in a variety of lengths, weights, actions, and styles. Used to hold a reel and make casting easier, as well as breaking off lures that get hung up; sometimes even used to fight a hooked fish.

Rod box - A dry storage compartment in a bass boat used to store rods in such a manner as to become so tangled that any attempt to remove one from the box will result in all of them leaving the box at the same time, one of which will have a broken tip. This is why you see photos of bass fishermen with 8-10 rods on the front deck; they all came out together.

SALSL Share a Lone Star Lunker; a program of the Texas Parks & Wildlife Department whereby anglers who have caught bass weighing 13 pounds and more (between October 1 and April 30th each year) can lend or donate the live fish to the department for spawning purposes. This is a goal of most Texas bass fishermen and one of the main reasons that few of them have any money. See Money.

“Schoolie” - A bass that is one of a school of other bass; usually smaller fish, although big bass have been known to school, too; term seldom used for crappie, since crappie are almost always in schools; also a term used by young fishermen to describe the kid who wouldn’t play hooky to go fishing.

Side scan - An extremely expensive electronic device used to show the fisherman exactly he/she is not going to catch and where it is relative to the structure and cover under and to the sides of the boat. Can be used to make a contour map of the lake bottom. Very effective precision instruments.

Scratcher - Any bass too small to keep; a “dink;”also, a fisherman who hasn’t showered for four days or more.

Senko - A plastic worm of Japanese manufacture, probably named after a Texas celebration in early May....also, because they senk, although slowly.

Skunked - What you are when you don’t boat even one scratcher; the reason for many excuses, such as “too hot,” “too cold,” “too windy,” “not windy enough/too calm,” “too bright,” “too cloudy,” “noisy jerk in back of boat,” “had to fish from back of boat,” “idiot partner stayed hung up all the time,” “too weedy,” “not enough weeds,” etc.

Slip sinker - A conical weight - usually made of lead, tungsten, or brass – with a hole through the center that enables the sinker to slide up and down your line, abrading your knot just enough to lose the next lunker that bites; the ones made of lead frequently have the hole pinched closed so you can’t get your line through them in the first place.

Slot fish - A fish whose size falls into the slot for that lake (length range of fish which cannot be kept).

Squarebill - A fat, wobbling, shallow-running lure designed to catch fishermen as well as bass. Effective at catching both. See Crankbait.

Smallmouth - Micropterus dolomeui, the Smallmouth Bass; “brown fish.” Less popular than the Largemouth only because of its more limited range and elusiveness; one of America’s best-fighting gamefish. Known for its preference for smaller lures and bait than those preferred by Largemouth, and also for its proclivity to fight in the air as much as in the water. Smallmouth bass are real jumpers!

Snake - An Eastern Chain Pickerel; also, the reason you give for not taking your wife fishing.

Solunar table - A table that allegedly tells you when fish and game are at their most active, thereby attempting to coax you into going fishing or hunting during a specific time period.

Spawn - The time of year when fish reproduce, usually in the spring.

Spawner - Any bass that is in the process of spawning; in some regions, any bass that causes a fisherman to sit on top of a stepladder in the shallow area of a lake, waiting for someone to pick him and the ladder up so they can go home.

Spinnerbait - A spinner lure shaped somewhat like a safety pin; very good in cover, and might double as a way to keep your pants up if you forgot your belt.

Strike - The goal of fishing; the action by a bass as it attacks your lure/bait, either to kill it, to eat it, or to make you crazy when you fail to set the hook.

Stringer - A device used by fishermen who do not have a boat with a live well; normally kept hidden deep within the bowels of a tackle box, to see the light of day only of those rare occasions when a retarded fish fails in its spastic attempts to free itself from the fisherman’s hook.

Tackle box - The storage compartment for all of your tackle. Most bass fishermen have at least 10 of these, but few can tell you what is in them or where.

Tackle shop - The place you go into to buy one or two inexpensive items of fishing tackle and come out several hundred dollars poorer.

Tap - The feel through your line and rod of a fish touching your plastic worm with anything other than the inside of its mouth; not to be confused with a bite or a strike, the tap is an event which serves to keep the other person in the boat interested; particularly effective with talkative wives who aren’t paying attention - especially when you covertly touch their line or rod, and then blame it on a fish that’s “about to bite or strike.”

Terminal tackle - The “business end” of your tackle: hook, lure, etc; what you tie on the end of your line or leader. Normally has at least one hook attached to it.

Topwater - Any lure that floats while at rest and during the retrieve; enables you to see the splash from the bass that misses it.

Trophy - A bass that equals or beats your previous PB. See PB. An award for catching fish, often in non-money tournaments.

Trolling motor - A battery-driven electric motor, usually found on the bow of a bass boat, used to pull the boat when the outboard motor is not running. These are designed to work best when the wind is not blowing as hard as it blows when you use it.

Tow vehicle - Whatever you pull your boat and trailer with. Often color-coordinated with bass boat and extremely expensive.

Tube - An inner tube with a seat in it from which people catch fish when not being bitten by snakes or alligators. Those guys always seem to be catching fish when you’re not.

Wall fish - Any bass big enough to cause you to spend your kids’ college savings for a taxidermist.

Walleye - A Yankee fish sometimes transplanted in Texas lakes. Called walleye because they are almost blind during the day and have eyes that look like those of Willie Nelson after a four-month drunk. An excellent food fish, but they fight much like a used condom on the end of your line.

Water wagon - A small, Styrofoam or ABS plastic flotation device used by fishermen as a boat. Those made of sytyrofoam are commonly propelled with swim fins; plastic models usually have a trolling motor. Like kayaks, these mini-boats often enable bass fishermen to outfish others who fish out of big, expensive bass boats. Very quiet and easy to negotiate in thick brush and timber, they have the disadvantage of enabling people to water ski behind them when the wind is blowing. Also called buster boats, bass hunters, pond boats, mini-boats, etc.

Water skier - One of the most common and most infuriating of the many types of pinko, drug-using, AIDS-infested Commie perverts, dedicated to screwing up the area you are fishing or want to fish; noted for passing between you and the shoreline when the boat towing him/her doesn’t. Although technically not water skiers, jet ski users fit the definition too.

Worm - A bottom-bumping lure, normally made of soft plastic; not to be confused with a live worm, which is never – ever – used by bass fishermen. The mere suggestion of such a thing can drive most bass fishermen into cardiac arrest.

Worm fish - Any bass caught or lost on a plastic worm or other soft plastic bait.

I read a bunch of them. Funny stuff.

Although a little too accurate in some cases to be truly funny... more like painful!